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As social creatures, we love good company and good conversation. One of the ways we bond is by expressing admiration and appreciation through compliments. But in some cases, flattery is easier bestowed than received, research shows.
Jessica S. Morton et al. (2022) investigated the impact of compliments on different types of receivers.[i] Building on existing research studying compliments from an educational psychology perspective, they examined compliments from other perspectives, including personality, emotions, social cognition, social psychology, and communication. One of the things they sought to discover is when and why compliments do not always produce the desired effect, and under what circumstances well-intended compliments are not well-received.
They distinguish between compliments that are normative, such as those offered with the purchase of a new home or the birth of a child, which are methods of conveying congratulations. Other compliments are spontaneous, without normative obligation, such as when a friend exclaims, “What a beautiful dress!” In both cases, whether the compliment is normative or spontaneous, it is an expression of value, demonstrating how the speaker views another person. Compliments also strengthen relationships, emphasize shared values, and reinforce positive behavior.
Yet because a compliment involves observed merit, source credibility matters. Morton, et al. note that the receiver assesses the legitimacy of the person bestowing the compliment. The more legitimate the speaker, the more likely the compliment will be well-received. But apparently, there is a subjective component as well.
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Morton, et al. cite prior research that demonstrates how individuals who suffer from low self-esteem tend to defensively reject compliments given by a romantic partner because the expressed positive image does not match their negative self-image. The perceived lack of congruence causes the receiver to doubt the intentions of their partner. Because they do not want to be manipulated or feel that they are misunderstood, the partner receiving the compliment often distances themselves from the flattering partner.
In a professional setting, Morton, et al. explain that compliment receivers appraise messages as they relate to merit. They evaluate the praise of a colleague as compared with their own opinion of performance. Credibility counts here also, in a more specific way. Morton, et al. note that appraisals consider the expertise of the complimenter in the field of merit, the speaker’s perceived intention through perceived sincerity, and the spontaneity or relevance of the compliment within the particular context in which it was received—which can include whether there was an audience, as well as the nature of the relationship.
Morton, et al. suggest the observed reaction of the compliment receiver results from a subjective process of appraisal, rather than the objective character of the compliment itself. In other words, some people do not simply respond to the message, but how they perceive it. This may explain why individuals with low self-esteem reject compliments. This reaction may be frustrating and even seem counterintuitive to speakers, because, as Morton, et al. recognize, such people may appear to need compliments the most. In reality, Morton, et al. explain they are merely unable to integrate positive information due to negative self-perception, often including the belief that they are undeserving.
So the next time someone is unable to graciously receive your genuine praise, believe them when they explain, “It’s not you, it’s me.” Because it probably is.
References
[i] Morton, Jessica S., Moïra Mikolajczak, and Olivier Luminet. 2022. “New Perspectives on the Praise Literature: Towards a Conceptual Model of Compliment.” Current Psychology: A Journal for Diverse Perspectives on Diverse Psychological Issues 41 (9): 6038–50. doi:10.1007/s12144-020-01102-7.
Wendy L. Patrick, J.D., Ph.D. is a career prosecutor, international public speaker, author, and media commentator. Her most famous books are Red Flags and Reading People.
